If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
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Who says great literature is dead?
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
choose your fighter
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.