Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
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Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.