BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
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I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.