Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
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*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?