” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
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Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.