I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
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Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Holy crap this is wonderful
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what