I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
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Last-minute gift idea!
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder