welcome mats are just gateway rugs
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DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I need to get some bricks…
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
man: wait
time: no
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.