Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
LOOOOOOL
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?