I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
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[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter