I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
You Might Also Like
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead