it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
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Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Found the job I’m suited for
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger