If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
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Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
We all have our pet causes.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.