When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
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I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
There is no try. There is only give up.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.