Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
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[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Where’s my employee discount too?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.