I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
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It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
💻🤡
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember