Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
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If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Doctors texting each other.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you