“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
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In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*