I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
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For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
The Assassin.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Generation gap…