Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
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Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’m tired tomorrow.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.