<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
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“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
🤣😂🤣
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
That’s amazing.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.