Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
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They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Sunday
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Ummm
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.