The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
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Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
😲 WTF? 😆
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers