I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
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If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”