Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
the red hot silly peppers
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.