What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
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I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
sounds kinky. i’m in.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.