I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
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I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
this is the best day of my life
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!