If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
You Might Also Like
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?