I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
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Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking