dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
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Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
boat question
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure