My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
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Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Mad Max: Furry Road
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert