YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
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Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Boom, boom, ching!
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?