Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
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Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
This week’s mood.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place