Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
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No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)