Hot Panini is in big trouble
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teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.