I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
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Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon