In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
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Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I hope google does well on my son’s test
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Liquor Store Parking
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.