15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
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There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.