*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
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i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look