[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
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“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.