It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
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Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Carpe DM
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?