If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
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My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse