Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
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3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
#Caturday
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?