Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
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Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room