I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
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the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Imma just leave this here…………
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”