There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
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I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.