Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
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Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
こいつ天才
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
The biggest mystery of our time
i now pronounce you bounced.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.