My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
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It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Something Saturday.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
i think we should see other cousins
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.