8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
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HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
nobody’s gonna understand
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!