How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
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*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Tuesday
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My ideal weight is five million dollars
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?